ANTM All-Stars: The End of the Runway

And here we are at last, fellow Booty Toochers...we've come down to the final three sad, shopworn girls battling for a crown of tin and paste. Who will be the winner? And can they truly be said to have won?

Our opening montage reminds us of our three choices: Creepy Chan, blonde kewpie doll of enormous eyes and bloodlust; Angelea, angry girl from the 716 who works at a bank, so we know she's classy, even if her Greek extends only to "where is the bathroom?"; and Lisa, a 47-year-old mother of three who, judging by her confessional hairstyle, is apparently hot-rolling her hair for her son Joey's wedding on Long Island this weekend.

We return to the house, where Angelea is giddily crowing, "Final Three! Final Threeeeee!" while Allison looks at her feet and Lisa grudgingly allows herself to be hugged.  Then it's time for Lisa's sob story--she has been performing her whole life to "break through the shackles of physical, sexual and mental abuse." She tells us that she's the best she's ever been, and wants to win ANTM to boost her new album and help her charity for abused children.

Angelea tells us that she will fight to the death for this win, and that she sees it as redemptive after her previous loss.  To be honest, we don't seem to spend as much time on her story as Lisa's, but then, we've heard it in every single talking head from Angelea, so we're good.

ANTM All-Stars: Tyson Beckford and the Intoxibellas

Smize, everybody! After Tyra gave us the holiday off with last week's clip episode, I'm back and rarin' to blog. And Tyra's rarin' to plug--tonight's episode will be about Tyra filming a "movie" to plug her YA book, Modelland.  Yes, it is a New York Times bestseller.  The eye on the cover is definitely smizing.

We rejoin Angelea, who expresses surprise and glee that she was kept over Dominique last week. Angelea seems not quite to have learned the lesson the other girls were trying to teach, but hey, learning has never been one of ANTM's priorities. Back at the house, Laura admires her photo on the "digital art" wall (i.e., the television) and speculates about what it would be like to win.  The breakouts on her chin don't encourage this speculation. All the girls cluster around to admire her photo for a while, until Lisa says, "All right. Well, I'm done looking at it," and walks off. OK, heh.

Next day, the girls meet Nigel in a shop called vendemma, and learn that they will be auditioning for "their future boss," the EIC of Vogue Italia.  If you recall her from last cycle, you'll remember that she pulls no punches and basically dismissed all the models but tall, skinny Ann. She doesn't care about your personality, your story, or your personal tragedy--she just wants a clotheshanger.

Talking Turkey

Happy Thanksgiving! Some of the editors at work got together for a little lighthearted fun on our romance fan page, Pocket After Dark.  We channeled our inner kindergarteners and made Turkey Hand drawings...try to match each one to its editor:

Happy Thanksgiving: The Home Game

Can you guess which one I did?

ANTM All Stars: Greece, Love and Happiness

How do you say "smize" in Greek? No time to learn, because our five remaining ladies are ready to explore the country! But first, they must go home and eat while backstabbing each other in confessional.  Tonight Lisa is a confusing shade of marigold, as though her ridiculous hair color has bled into her skin.  But our focus tonight is Angelea--she doesn't understand why she keeps winding up in the bottom while Dominique never does. Her competitors are happy to explain that she's too tense and guarded, and we get a flashback to one of her earlier shoots where Jay is badmouthing her to the photographer. (He's so supportive.)

TyraMail! Laura tells us it's the scariest TyraMail ever--excuse me, "the skerriest Tahrahmeeul evrrr"--because it says they're going to meet with the judges again, right after they've been to panel!  Relax, Laura, it's not a firing squad yet. Mr. Jay meets them and says, "Usually you're judged by the panel. But now you're going to be judged by your peers." Basically, they're running a "casting" except that they're all judging each other. Apparently there wasn't enough catfighting in the house since Bianca left.  They start by walking for each other, and although they start out nice, Lisa's a little pointed and Angelea's a bit bitchy. Mr. Jay is still there, but says nothing.  Then it's time to review their books, but we see only a couple of specific comments about a few pics, all of which seem valid.

ANTM All-Stars: Greece is the Word

How are we, ANTM fans? Fierce and smizing? Our would-be supahstars are hanging on the bus, all of them pretty cheerful...seems like Alexandra isn't exactly missed. We watch them eating lunch while Angelea in voiceover tells us that "I wanna like Dominique, but Dominique is an actress. No one is Positive Patty all the time." It's true that there is a distressing lack of backbiting coming from Dom. Actually, there's a distressing lack of personality coming from Dom.

The girls get home and disperse, only to reconvene when a giant 16th-century Chinese gentleman knocks on their door--oh, wait, it's just Andre Leon Talley in his caftan and conical hat.  The thing that perplexes me most about ALT is that he's supposedly the height of fashion, but I have seen him wear this exact outfit multiple times! I thought fashionistas were never supposed to be seen in the same thing twice?

Anyway, ALT has come for "dinner," and calls two "waiters" into the hall.  They weave back and forth holding stacks of plates as a minuet for flute plays on the soundtrack, until...a collision! Plates are broken! "Waiters" who are actually "actors" stage a fight! Smash more dishes! The girls are shocked, either because they are gamely playing along or because they are dumb bunnies--could go either way.  ALT gives us the big reveal when he says, "I am so sorry for such gauche behavior, but actually, there is one country in the world where that is a tradition. In Greece! Where we are all headed!" Screaming, jumping, confetti. (When the heck did production manage to rig a confetti drop in the house?)

A Day in the Life of an Eggitor*

 "Do de doh...I wonder what the mail will bring today?"

 "Why hello, Mail Dude! Here is that submission the agent was so excited about."

 "Wow, this is really terrible! He thought he'd get half a mil for this?"

 "Agents who overpitch drive me nuts. Wait'll I tell the gang about this one."

 "We donned snorkel gear because we heard this one was a real stinker." 

 "Hee! Ha! Hoo-boy!"

"What a day. Let's go to the bar."

*Inspired by a particularly terrible query a friend showed me today.  

Now with working pictures (I hope)!

ANTM All-Stars: Don't Hate the Game...OK, Go Ahead and Hate

Warning: tonight is "music video" night, which means that not only do we have to watch these idiots pretend to be models, now we have to watch them pretend to be pop stars, too.  Tyra, why are you doing this to us? Not even you could succeed at this task (anyone remember "Shake Ya Body"? No? Just me?), so why are you inflicting these sad little famewhores on us? Are not the Kardashians burden enough for one nation?

Anyway, the girls are still reeling from the shock of Bianca's departure (no one seems to be reeling about sweet, boring Kayla), and Lisa comes into the house first, gleefully hollering about her photo on the wall.  (Really, anytime Lisa is mentioned, you can assume that "gleefully hollering" is implied.)  Laura and Allison reflect on how much they've grown during their ANTM experiences, with Allison making sure to remind us (or at least the producers) that her journey's not over yet.  Allison's hair is looking a particularly vile shade of yellow in this interview...is her dye job that bad, or does Tyra keep the confessional lights extra unflattering?

TyraMail! But instead of a terrible poem, we're greeted by a video of some toddler named Madison, who is apparently an "internet sensation," according to her chyron.  (Kid has a chyron at three years old? Screw her.) She's giving the girls makeup tips (and frankly, her skin looks better than theirs, so why not?) and then babbles something unintelligible. Angelea rephrases for me and says, "Keep a beat? Like something with music." Allison scratches her head absently, either puzzled or thinking about a sandwich.

ANTM All-Stars: The Scent of Desperation

Hello, Smizers! I'm a little late to ANTM tonight, but I would never let you down--it's time to recap! I just got back from California, where I attended my 20th college reunion. Those of you with advanced math skills will be able to determine that I am actually the age Lisa appears to be.  By the time she attends a 20th reunion (of "All Stars," perhaps?), she will look like the Cryptkeeper. And she will still be wearing an ugly bustier.

We join the girls in the bus on the ride home from last week's panel, and they're all rattled by Bre's dismissal.  Lisa is mourning the loss of someone to control Bianca, Alexandria is stunned that she made it, but off-kilter after being called "a reality show contestant trying to model" by Tyra (um, pot, kettle much?), and Shannon thinks that the judges' instruction to her to be "edgier" means "raunchier"--and she assures us that that is not who she is. Whatever, Shannon...I was supporting you through UndieGate, but now you're just being dumb.

Bianca is worried that she now has an even bigger target on her back, and apparently she's addressing that worry by picking a fight with Alexandria about the shower. (In Bianca's defense, Alex does that hateful thing where you say something snide but end it with "honey." So I'm now Team Bianca.) The shower altercation ends without fisticuffs, however, so we can all rest easy.

ANTM All-Stars: Ladies, Meet Coco!

Hello, y'all! I must confess to blogging under the influence tonight, so I can't confirm that this will be entirely in Enlish.  Just pretend that Lisa is guest blogging this week. We open on the "stew room" (TM Top Chef) from last week's panel, where Lisa and Bianca are sniping at each other. They're annoying, so I'm skipping it.

Back in the house, where we see Laura's winning Michael Jackson photo, which somehow doesn't look so great. Bre tells us that she's been so worried about having Bianca's back that she hasn't been paying attention to her own position, and now she has to refocus. The girls get their next Tyra mail, which is about "not dropping the ball." They head to the beach to meet Nigel and Brittany Gastineau, "an incredible socialite who eeeeeeevrybody strives to be at some point in their life," according to Bre. Um, whatever, lady. Also, there's Julie Henderson, who's identified as a "fiercely real" model. I see Tyra is still trying to make fetch happen.  FOr those of you who didn't read last season's blogs, "fiercely  real" = plus size.  Julie announces that the girls are going to play flag football, with the help of some real football players--and this will be their challenge photo shoot (for charity?).

The red team is Lisa, Kayla, Shannon, Alex and Dom (Kayla says that she has to do well because she's a lesbian, and all lesbians are good at sports). The blue team is Bre, Bianca, Allison, Angelea and Laura. They're all playing in crop tops and bikini bottoms, so you can tell how serious this is. Intro the assorted football dudes! They're identified by their team, but I don't care, so you'll have to look that up somewhere else. To make the game fashion-y, the models will have to strike a pose whenever a flag is thrown and their name is called. I dunno, it seems complicated.  This seems a little gratuitous, and there's mostly some halfhearted running around, but the girls are apparently taking the opportunity to shove each other in retaliation for various slights.

ANTM All-Stars: Miss Jackson If You're--Wha? Oh, Hi, LaToya.

Taking a break from my work-at-home day, which has stretched into work-at-home night, because I couldn't let me darling readers down! (And also, hey, I could use a little me time.) But this might have to be a little quick-and-dirty nonetheless.

We open as the girls return to the house after judging, and Angelea revels in her photo on the wall. She tells us, a little wistfully, that she thought she popped on her original cycle, but no agencies wanted to sign her after the show (cue sad horns, wah-wahhhh). Then Bianca mopes at being a loser, and it goes on for a while, but I'm busy yelling at my husband for not coming to dinner when I call him, and thus not appreciating my cooking. Good times.

Little victories

Today was a frazzly day at work--nothing bad, just meeting upon meeting and crises flaring up that turned out not to be crises, but only after everyone ran around with their hair on fire.  So I was in real need of my evening yoga class tonight!

I made it just in time, staked out my little stretch of floor, and we began.  I've been going to yoga every Tuesday for the last six weeks or so (and Zumba every Thursday), and while no one is going to mistake me for Rodney Yee, I can already feel how much more stable and strong I am.  Tonight, I was excited to discover that I can transition successfully from Downward Dog through Plank to Low Cobra, which I couldn't do before.  Plank is basically like the "up" phase of a push-up, and then you lower yourself into the next pose--in the past, I've been coming to my knees through the transition, because my arms weren't strong enough to keep "lower myself" from becoming "belly flop." Seems like a small thing, but I was really happy to have this tangible evidence that I'm doing myself good by committing to this class.

I was so confident, I decided to try Wheel Pose while resting in Bridge. Yeah, that's not happening yet--backbends will have to wait a few more weeks. Om!

ANTM All-Stars: CSI: My Career

Steve Jobs has passed away, and all our smizes are dimmed a bit tonight.  This MacBook-penned blog goes out to him.

The Sorta-Stars come back to the house after judging to be greeted by Allison's winning photo, with the quote "Booty Tooch" boldly emblazoned on it. Stop trying to make "tooch" happen, Tyra.  Angelea is feeling a little low after being in the bottom two with Isis, but is determined to soldier on. Downstairs, Lisa is cracking open the wine (of which there are several bottles on the counter) and we're treated to a flashback from Cycle 5 in which Lisa has a serious conversation with a plant.  But while all the other model wannabes raise a glass, Lisa tells us that she went to Celebrity Rehab and now chooses not to drink. (Er, so are you saying you have a problem or not?)

Mail time! But not TyraMail, real mail. From moms! It's like mail call at camp, with care packages and notes for everyone...except Camille who got "a box full of work." Camille says that at 33, she has more responsibilities than the other girls, and her box was full of bills.  I call shenanigans on that--first of all, if you know you're going to be gone for weeks/months, don't you set up direct deposit? And if not, don't you leave checks with the person at home? There must be someone there, because they JUST SENT YOU A BOX FULL OF BILLS.

ANTM All-Stars: Standing Tall

We open without fanfare as the girls ride home from Pink's in their limo (I notice we no longer make any pretense of going green on this show).  They congratulate Lisa on her challenge win (here's the photo if you're curious) and then it's back to the house. For a minute I think they've acquired some sort of dorm mother who's riding with them, but it turns out to be Alexandra in her mom haircut.  Allison (whom my esteemed cousin Julie has reminded me should forever be known as Creepy Chan) is wearing a fur hood with ears, like a bear costume. Of course she is.  Back at the house, with backing music in the "the call is coming from inside the house!" vein, Allison tells Lisa that she feels nervous and uncomfortable, even though she knows this is a competition. For reasons unclear to me, she is talking to Lisa while staring at herself in the mirror with her hand over your mouth so we can't see her lips move. I guess she could have been saying anything, then. For all we know she told Lisa she likes cheese and hates it when people borrow her poet's blouse.  The next morning, the ladies are involved in various desultory grooming rituals when a stranger enters the house! Who could it be? We must wait until after the credits to find out...