Wednesday, October 19, 2011

ANTM All-Stars: Ladies, Meet Coco!

Hello, y'all! I must confess to blogging under the influence tonight, so I can't confirm that this will be entirely in Enlish.  Just pretend that Lisa is guest blogging this week. We open on the "stew room" (TM Top Chef) from last week's panel, where Lisa and Bianca are sniping at each other. They're annoying, so I'm skipping it.

Back in the house, where we see Laura's winning Michael Jackson photo, which somehow doesn't look so great. Bre tells us that she's been so worried about having Bianca's back that she hasn't been paying attention to her own position, and now she has to refocus. The girls get their next Tyra mail, which is about "not dropping the ball." They head to the beach to meet Nigel and Brittany Gastineau, "an incredible socialite who eeeeeeevrybody strives to be at some point in their life," according to Bre. Um, whatever, lady. Also, there's Julie Henderson, who's identified as a "fiercely real" model. I see Tyra is still trying to make fetch happen.  FOr those of you who didn't read last season's blogs, "fiercely  real" = plus size.  Julie announces that the girls are going to play flag football, with the help of some real football players--and this will be their challenge photo shoot (for charity?).

The red team is Lisa, Kayla, Shannon, Alex and Dom (Kayla says that she has to do well because she's a lesbian, and all lesbians are good at sports). The blue team is Bre, Bianca, Allison, Angelea and Laura. They're all playing in crop tops and bikini bottoms, so you can tell how serious this is. Intro the assorted football dudes! They're identified by their team, but I don't care, so you'll have to look that up somewhere else. To make the game fashion-y, the models will have to strike a pose whenever a flag is thrown and their name is called. I dunno, it seems complicated.  This seems a little gratuitous, and there's mostly some halfhearted running around, but the girls are apparently taking the opportunity to shove each other in retaliation for various slights.

Dom is the first to get a photo challenge, and she's told, "Give us quarterback!" Dom, like myself, has no clue what that means, but she holds the ball and at one point is lifted by her football player. Looks cute. Then Bre has to give us "referee." She gives her football player the hand, and a side-eye. Kayla has to do "groupie," and just drapes herself on the dude, while her bikini climbs up her butt so much that she has to be pixilated.  The football dudes are actually trying to win the game, which I think is not so much the point, but Lisa's determined to run the ball. Bianca says she's not intimidated--Lisa is "a whole lotta ball of fire, with no flame." Um, yeah, Bianca, that doesn't mean anything. But good for you.

Photo challenge! Lisa's turn--we hear no instructions, but we see a bunch of poses from her. Nigel shouts to Shannon, "Give!" Wha? But Nigel liked it, whatever she did. Alex gets "cheerleader," and stands on her football dude, which is cute. Angelea grabs both players for "football wife," but Nigel says she lost focus after that first good idea.

More football, more pixilation.  Bre was serious while playing. More photos! Alison and Bianca don't get direction that we hear about...we just see some shots. Laura has a cute head-to-head photo with the football guy, as though they're on the line of scrimmage. (See how sporty I am? I said "scrimmage.") In the end, the blue team wins, and their football dudes get money for their chosen charities.  The models wait to hear who has been named MVM (Most Valuable Model, of course!) and it's...Kayla! That's nice--I don't think she's won anything yet. She's elated. She wins some jewelry from Brittany Gastineau's collection, and she gets styled by ALT for an appearance on Tyra's website. ALT is wearing a coolie hat while he does this. That's all I'll say.

Photo shoot! The theme today is, per Mr. Jay, "a good old-fashioned bitch fight." Some of the girls look chagrined, but Bre is psyched. Joining them for this shoot is Coco Rocha, Hot Model du Jour. The girls will pose in pairs with Coco, and we're told that Coco teaches posing in her spare time! They send us all off to hair and makeup, but the b-roll shots they show are clearly from Kayla's photo shoot for Tyra's website.  We already saw that feathered vest, show! Come on!

The first shoot pairs Bianca and Shannon--Shannon is worried about her last altercation with Bianca, but they don't seem to be starting anything on set today. They're both in gold dresses, while Coco is in a black tux-style outfit. Coco is positioned between them, as though breaking up a fight. It's interesting to see her against the other two girls--her bone structure is so much more severe, as though she's a skull with makeup on.  But she knows how to make an expression that reaches through the camera, even if she's just dropping her chin an inch. We are witnessing the difference between the farm team and the big leagues.

Kayla and Allison are next--kayla tells us in an interview that she hates this pairing, because "Allison has these big doe-y eyes, and she can just look and be like, 'I'm Allison!' and that'll be the best shot."  Heh. She's not wrong. They're dressed in reds and pinks, and their wrestling seems to be over the top, because they're flailing around. Mr. Jay sneers. They give Coco a breakaway bottle, which results in a photo that the photographer declares Kayla's best shot. No word on ALlison.

Angelea takes a minute to ask Coco what it means that the judges have told her to "work on her angles." Coco tells her just to move around, and then busts out eight different facial poses in a matter of seconds. Angelea is daunted, as she should be. She and Laura will be photographed together, and when they come on set Jay tells Angelea she'll be "crawling up" Coco's leg. Then he observes that Angelea's energy level is too low. Basically, Angelea is on the floor while Coco shoves Laura off a stool and onto a waiting mat. Laura's thrilled to study Coco, who gives a different face for every shoot, and I will say that having her here makes the difference between REAL top models and the "all-stars" incredibly clear. And then...tears! Jay goes and gives her a pep talk and she's ready to try again. Now, of course, she's great.

Next up is Alex, paired with Bre. There's a lot of screaming, and Alex is lying on the ground. Coco seems to find her a bit much. Dom is snickering at all of it, but she should probably hold her tongue until she finishes her shoot with Lisa. Lisa's on the floor this time, kicking up a foot as Dom stands over her with Coco. They seem to be doing well--Jay loves them together. Looks like Lisa's doing her trademark snarl, which wrinkles the heck out of her head, so I'm not sure it's such a great idea. She looks old enough already.

Back to the house, and a brief communion in the hot tub. Despite all the arguments, the girls seem to more or less get along together. Time for judging! ALT, Tyra, Nigel, and of course, Coco.  First up for critique is Kayla and Allison.  The judges love the look--Coco's reaching as though to strike Kayla, who's leaning backward and looking alarmed, while Allison on the other side is shrieking "No!"

Next is Bianca and Shannon. Coco looks great, and Bianca is doing a terrific bared teeth--her teeth are super-white--and she's growling without furrowing her brow. Shannon is being upstaged, but she still looks good in the face. On to Laura & Angelea--she's screaming while Coco pulls her hair, but Tyra doesn't like Laura's pose.  She doesn't find her fall "modelesque." Whatever.

Alex and Bre--Coco looks amazing, but the judges don't like our All-stars. Alex looks awkward and not modelly, and Bre is overplaying it. Coco calls her out on the screaming, and the shot they chose didn't catch her face all the way anyway.  On to Dom and Lisa--as Lisa approaches the judges, she waggles her sunglasses at them and Nigel goes, "What was that?" Who the fuck knows, dude--you encourage this behavior. Anyway, they love Dom, who's even upstaging Coco here. Lisa appears to be grabbing Coco's crotch. Nigel also points out that every photo she takes has her mouth open, but it works here.

Judging! Everybody is basically just OK, although they love Allison and seem to like Angelea. Lisa and Dom were well received, too.  Who will be axed? The first girl to be called is...Dominique! Followed by Lisa (I can't even describe what she's wearing, but I think if you looked at her too long you'd contract herpes), Bianca, Angelea, Allison, Kayla, Shannon, and Laura.  (Whew! I thought Laura might go tonight.) Our bottom two are Bre and Alex...I hope they dump Alex, whom I think is uninteresting and photographs old. Neither of them have much of a personality this season, so I could take or leave either one of them. Who are we keeping? Alexandria! Poor Bre, she's done. Bianca looks bummed. And Bre walks off right away, without saying goodbye to anyone. (Or even waiting for Tyra's farewell. Weird!) No one seems that upset.

Ooh, next week we get Kathy Griffin! I hope she tears them apart. See you then, y'all!

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