We open without fanfare as the girls ride home from Pink's in their limo (I notice we no longer make any pretense of going green on this show). They congratulate Lisa on her challenge win (here's the photo if you're curious) and then it's back to the house. For a minute I think they've acquired some sort of dorm mother who's riding with them, but it turns out to be Alexandra in her mom haircut. Allison (whom my esteemed cousin Julie has reminded me should forever be known as Creepy Chan) is wearing a fur hood with ears, like a bear costume. Of course she is. Back at the house, with backing music in the "the call is coming from inside the house!" vein, Allison tells Lisa that she feels nervous and uncomfortable, even though she knows this is a competition. For reasons unclear to me, she is talking to Lisa while staring at herself in the mirror with her hand over your mouth so we can't see her lips move. I guess she could have been saying anything, then. For all we know she told Lisa she likes cheese and hates it when people borrow her poet's blouse. The next morning, the ladies are involved in various desultory grooming rituals when a stranger enters the house! Who could it be? We must wait until after the credits to find out...
Turns out it's...someone I can't identify. Thankfully, one of the Sorta-Stars tells us that it's Kristin Cavallari, formerly of Laguna Beach and recently dumped by her football player fiance. She's here to talk about being a bitch! Well, not exactly, but it's about dealing with haters, because Kristin was the bitch on her show. Bre asks a valid question: "Us all being from reality shows, how do you keep that longevity without going from reality show to reality show?" Sadly, she has chosen to ask this of Kristin Cavallari, who is famous only for being a fixture on the C list reality circuit. (She professes to have a shoe line now.) Kristin does Tyra a solid by telling the girls it's all about being true to your branding. Well, that was helpful.
Challenge Time! The girls are sent to The Grove, an outdoor L.A. mall that is apparently the home base for Extra as well. And it has a trolley! It's quite rainy, so all the girls have clear umbrellas, but there's someone on the trolley hiding behind a big green umbrella as well...it's Nigel! Still without hair. No crazy shaving antics today, apparently. In a cut to the girls listening, I see that one of them (can't tell who) is wearing chartreuse breeches. That is astounding. Given her taste levels thus far, I would guess Lisa. Ha! Yes, indeed. Where the hell does she even find this stuff? (A related, but larger question: what kind of man has agreed to marry this woman?)
The girls split off into teams, captained by Lisa and Bianca, respectively. Once the teams are all picked, Nigel tells us that the winning team will be safe from elimination at panel. Laura demonstrates a shaky grasp of basic logic functions when she tells us that being safe is "either a amazing prize, or really crappy for the losers." Yes, dear. Go back to looking Loveable. Anyway, the teams are going to have to interview with Mario Lopez, and the girls coo over his dimples.
Our first team is Lisa, Dominique, Laura, Isis, Angelea and Alexandra. Mario asks them each a question, which they field with varying levels of grace. Lisa hollers about how managing her reputation can be "a balancing act, but guess what? I got first place in balance beam, whaaaat?" Mario looks nonplussed, as do her teammates, but when Lisa goes for a high five they don't leave her hanging. Next is Isis, who calmly tells Mario that she is happy to educate people about her gender transition, but prefers her current Cycle to be about her new modeling goals. Everyone claps and Lisa jumps into frame to give Isis a high five. Then Angelea tells us that one can never have too much flavor, because you want people to talk about you, not forget you. It's a very coherent sentence, and Lisa reaches in for (you guessed it) another high five. We get a quick cut to a classic Bianca side-eye as she waits for her team's turn, and then Alex tells us in confessional, "I love Lisa with all my heart...". Yeah, when you start off with that, you know the answer is, "But she's fucking this up for all of us!"
I don't know if Mario asked the other three girls questions as well, but we don't see them. Instead, the faithful fans huddled in the rain are invited up to ask their own questions. Bystander #1 asks Alex, "What made you feel like you had to put on such a tough exterior, almost to the point of contention?" This bystander is worlds more well-spoken than any of the models. Can we give the challenge win to her? Alex starts out by insisting that she loves everyone, yada yada, but you have to be tough--and Lisa jumps in to finish her sentence. Can't imagine that's going to go well back at the house.
That's all we get from Team 1--guess Laura and Dominique weren't interesting TV. (I'm beginning to see a pattern here.) Team 2, led by Bianca, consists of Shannon, Camille, Kayla, Allison, and Bre. Lined up to talk with Mario, it's easy to see that Bianca is freakishly tall, even by model standards. Bianca is asked if her fans are seeing the real her, and she asserts that they do, and she has "word vomit" like everybody else. In confessional, Lisa sneers at Bianca's chances. Obviously there is no mirror in the confessional, or she'd be more worried about her terrible hair. Mario asks Allison if it's true modeling wasn't always her biggest priority, and why is she here? She's unfazed, and talks about how marrying her interest in modeling and photography has made her better at both. Bianca approves (but does not high five her). Fan Bobbi asks Kayla about the time on her cycle that she was afraid to work with a male model. Kayla says that she's moved on from that period and "broke through those barriers, and now I'm breaking forward even more. It set me free, and that's why I'm here today, representing free-DOM." Oof. She hogtied that brand and dragged it along with her, but it wasn't exactly natural. Camille is asked what she'll do if she doesn't win, and gives a classic pageant response, telling us she will still work in the business of fashion so "I'm not disappearing anytime soon, Mario [giggle]." She stares at him with dead shark eyes while she laughs.
Time for critique! Nigel immediately calls out Lisa for being an attention whore, talking over people, high fiving, etc. He found Angelea too bland and conservative in front of the camera, instead of showing her personality. He tells Isis it's about more than her message, it's about her posture and movement, and including everybody in the conversation. I don't really understand what he's reacting to. He suggests that Bianca rein in the vomit talk (truer words were never spoke), praises Allison's eloquence, and tells Kayla that although she's a role model, her brand isn't just saying the word "free." The winner is...Team 2! And the winner-winner within Team 2, who will come back and shoot with Mario, is...Allison! (She's the only one who could reliably string two sentences together, so it's just as well.)
On the ride back, Angelea is furious, and is insisting that her professional interview demeanor is her, and she is not required to display herself. "Not to you, to Nigel, to none of these bitches here." In a talking head, Kayla tells us that Angelea is mean and has too much attitude to work at Extra. I will say that there's a glimmer of truth to what Angelea is complaining about--they've been telling her she's too trashy, too "ghetto," and when she cleans herself up, they don't like that either. Basically, Angelea, they want the minstrel show. Sorry.
Tyra Mail! "My, what long legs you have!" The girls guess that they'll be shooting with spiders, giraffes, rats (long legged rats?), but whatever it is, they suspect they'll have things on their faces. But no! It's ladies in stilts! (What is up with stilts in reality competitions this season? First Project Runway, now ANTM? Is there a stilt company out there desperate for promotion?) The girls all look varying degrees of skeptical, since the stiltwalkers are dancing and it looks hard. The girls will be paired, one loser and one winner. Our photographer du jour tells us that the girls must be more than long legs--she wants them "to be fashion models, and just GO there." Well, that's helpful.
The styling seems to be 80's neon tanks & bra tops under black jumpsuits and leotards. They're all harnessed, incidentally, as we see when Dominique starts walking and wipes out. Kayla and Dominique are the first pair, and they're struggling to manage the stilt legs while posing together. They aren't very connected, although there are a couple of interesting shots.
Bianca is paired with Lisa, which concerns Lisa because Bianca's terrified of heights and doesn't want to do the stilts--but Bianca already has immunity, so if the picture sucks, it's Lisa on the chopping block.
Oops, no, time for Camille and Isis. Isis is moving well and making some interesting shapes, but Camille is more wooden. And then she gets a talking head in order to offend anyone on Team Isis: "How would it look if somebody who's transgender would do a better job than an actual "real" woman?" But although we see Isis trying and Camille kind of flailing, the talking head at the end is Jay saying that Isis didn't bring the fun energy to the shoot that he'd expected.
OK, now Bianca. But...where'd she go? She's gone into the bathroom to have a cry. We catch a glimpse of her sitting on the stall floor (ugh, Bianca, no!) while Angelea tells us in a talking head that she felt bad. Lisa is actually being very supportive and encouraging, but in her confessional tells us it's because she doesn't want to lose. Lisa is doing crazy shapes and faces, and Bianca is just trying to hold her shit together. Jay refuses to give her a pat on the head for overcoming her fear, instead saying, "If you got up there and didn't deliver, then there was no point in getting up there." What, did you think this show was about personal growth? Where have you been for the past 15 cycles?
Time for Allison and Angelea (who is barely dressed in a Gaultier-ish bathing suit). Allison tells us she's just going to have fun, and she makes all sorts of fun shapes while Angelea flails. The photographer tells her that a certain butt-out pose isn't cute, and Angelea tells us that she has no lower body strength and is basically exhausted. "I'm a strong bitch, but I'm a weak bitch." Heh. Cut to Jay, being snide and bitchy in the corner. That's enough of that.
Laura and Bre are next, and try some poses clasped in each other's arms. The photographer is schooling Bre for a couple of shots, and no one says anything about Laura. They get about 30 seconds of screen time in total.
On to Shannon and Alex--but before we start shooting, Jay has to be a little bitch to Shannon once again. "Are you sure you're comfortable with your outfit? It doesn't look too much like panties?" It's a black bathing suit bottom with a granny-panty cut and sheer black sides, FYI. Shannon smiles brightly and says, "It's a bathing suit. I checked it out, because I knew you'd ask." While I'm not sure her particular moral code makes that much sense, I do like that she refuses to take Jay's shit. Alex is throwing herself into the shoot, including some poses that force her to fall over but look cool while she does them. Shannon kind of fades into the background.
Aw, Laura's made a new friend! Some cute guy is spinning her around, still in her stilts, while she squeals.
Time for judging! ALT, shockingly, is recycling his wardrobe! The straw boater is back, and I suspect his navy caftan was also from his premiere night panel ensemble. Tsk, tsk, Andre. Tyra does her usual whispered recitation of the fabulous prizes, and then on to the photos...
First up: Alex and Shannon. They love the photo, in which Alex is leaning on Shannon with one leg kicked up behind her at a right angle. Their faces look fierce; it's cool. Judges all love it.
Next: Angelea and Allison. Before the judges get to the photo, Angelea says, "Wait. I just have to address you, Nigel" and the temperature in the room drops 20 degrees instantly. Child, do you seriously think Nigel is going to let you attempt to school him on TV? But Angelea manages to frame her position as confusion rather than disagreement, so Nigel doesn't get his back up overmuch. Tyra jumps in to use an old SNL spoof of ANTM as an example, and Angelea seems content.
Her photo with Allison is well-received--ALT calls it "cinematic"--but Tyra tells us that Allison is a bit stronger than Angelea because she is doing the "booty tooch." You know what a booty tooch is? It's when you tooch your booty. (Thanks, Tyra.) However, this gives rise to the best frame ever seen on ANTM, which I will attempt to find for you all. The producers take a red "marker" to the photo, circle Allison's butt and write "booty tooch." Then they circle Angelea's butt, play the game-show "fail" buzzer, and write "NO booty tooch." That alone was worth my Tivo subscription for this month.
Dominique and Kayla are next, and in their photo Dom is doing a plie while Kayla gives us a profile view. ALT lurrrrrves Dominique and starts shouting about his "salon!" but says he would airbrush Kayla out. Kristin Cavallari is not afraid to disagree with Giant Lord Fauntleroy, and says she thinks the picture is just so-so.
Time for Camille and Isis. They both are just kind of standing, knees bent, and Camille has one arm thrown up in a way that Nigel finds "clubby." Basically, no one on the panel is particularly blown away by this one. Me neither.
Will Laura and Bre do better? Yes, they will! Their photo looks a lot different from the others--Laura is crouched down in front of Bre, whose stilts are spread wide so they frame Laura's body. It's a cool looking shot, and probably the most fashiony one of the night. Laura looks a little squat, but interesting, and Bre's face is a little blank. In general, they really like it, though.
And now, Bianca and Lisa. ALT is taken aback by Lisa's outfit for judging, which is a black bustier (how many bustiers does this woman own?) along with black shiny leggings with hot pink fringe down the outer seams. The judges are eating it up--the horror, the horror. Tell me they won't let her win! I don't care if she's fun, she has a face like a sack of cement left out in the rain! Their photo is good, though--Lisa is standing on one leg while Bianca, in a lunge, lifts Lisa's other leg over her head. There's lots of movement, good faces, tons of angles. I think this is probably the winning picture, especially given tonight's story arc.
For some reason, even though half the girls are safe, the judges will discuss them anyway when deciding who to cut. I guess we still have time for all 12. (Or 10, or however many of them there are now.) Of the safes, they like Bianca and Allison, think that Shannon is playing it safe, and they don't really care for Bre, Camille or Kayla. (ALT really hates Kayla.) Of the unsafe girls, they love Alex and Laura; were so-so on Dominique and Angelea, didn't like Isis, and were mixed on Lisa. They find her photos completely authentic, but Nigel rats her out for her behavior during the Extra challenge. Who will be eliminated...TONIGHT?
Photo callout is working a little differently tonight--Tyra tells us that she'll first be running through all the girls who are safe. So the first girl called is...Allison. She puts on her shocked face, but I don't buy it. Bianca is next, followed by Shannon, Bre, Kayla and Camille, whom Tyra says is wack. Now our unsafe girls...will they go in similar order? The first unsafe girl called is...Alexandria. Eh. Lisa. Laura is 3rd? She was robbed! Dominique is fourth, leaving Angelea and Isis are our bottom two. (To be honest, I have trouble telling Isis, Dominique and Angelea apart as it is, so I won't mind losing one of them.) Ooh...in tonight's "two beautiful ladies" speech, Tyra explicitly says that these two did NOT have the two worst photos of the night, which shows how important challenge wins are. (The camera cuts to a sheepish-looking Kayla and Camille.) The surviving hard-luck story is...Angelea! Tyra tells us it came down to the photo, and hers was stronger than Isis's. I guess the transgender story ran its course? Or were they tired of Isis plugging her fashion line in every interview? Anyway, off she struts in her black tutu, to motivate other teens. Farewell, Isis!
And that's the show! Eek--tune in next week for a medical crisis involving vomit!
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