A Day in the Life of an Eggitor*

 "Do de doh...I wonder what the mail will bring today?"

 "Why hello, Mail Dude! Here is that submission the agent was so excited about."

 "Wow, this is really terrible! He thought he'd get half a mil for this?"

 "Agents who overpitch drive me nuts. Wait'll I tell the gang about this one."

 "We donned snorkel gear because we heard this one was a real stinker." 

 "Hee! Ha! Hoo-boy!"

"What a day. Let's go to the bar."

*Inspired by a particularly terrible query a friend showed me today.  

Now with working pictures (I hope)!

ANTM All-Stars: Don't Hate the Game...OK, Go Ahead and Hate

Warning: tonight is "music video" night, which means that not only do we have to watch these idiots pretend to be models, now we have to watch them pretend to be pop stars, too.  Tyra, why are you doing this to us? Not even you could succeed at this task (anyone remember "Shake Ya Body"? No? Just me?), so why are you inflicting these sad little famewhores on us? Are not the Kardashians burden enough for one nation?

Anyway, the girls are still reeling from the shock of Bianca's departure (no one seems to be reeling about sweet, boring Kayla), and Lisa comes into the house first, gleefully hollering about her photo on the wall.  (Really, anytime Lisa is mentioned, you can assume that "gleefully hollering" is implied.)  Laura and Allison reflect on how much they've grown during their ANTM experiences, with Allison making sure to remind us (or at least the producers) that her journey's not over yet.  Allison's hair is looking a particularly vile shade of yellow in this interview...is her dye job that bad, or does Tyra keep the confessional lights extra unflattering?

TyraMail! But instead of a terrible poem, we're greeted by a video of some toddler named Madison, who is apparently an "internet sensation," according to her chyron.  (Kid has a chyron at three years old? Screw her.) She's giving the girls makeup tips (and frankly, her skin looks better than theirs, so why not?) and then babbles something unintelligible. Angelea rephrases for me and says, "Keep a beat? Like something with music." Allison scratches her head absently, either puzzled or thinking about a sandwich.

ANTM All-Stars: The Scent of Desperation

Hello, Smizers! I'm a little late to ANTM tonight, but I would never let you down--it's time to recap! I just got back from California, where I attended my 20th college reunion. Those of you with advanced math skills will be able to determine that I am actually the age Lisa appears to be.  By the time she attends a 20th reunion (of "All Stars," perhaps?), she will look like the Cryptkeeper. And she will still be wearing an ugly bustier.

We join the girls in the bus on the ride home from last week's panel, and they're all rattled by Bre's dismissal.  Lisa is mourning the loss of someone to control Bianca, Alexandria is stunned that she made it, but off-kilter after being called "a reality show contestant trying to model" by Tyra (um, pot, kettle much?), and Shannon thinks that the judges' instruction to her to be "edgier" means "raunchier"--and she assures us that that is not who she is. Whatever, Shannon...I was supporting you through UndieGate, but now you're just being dumb.

Bianca is worried that she now has an even bigger target on her back, and apparently she's addressing that worry by picking a fight with Alexandria about the shower. (In Bianca's defense, Alex does that hateful thing where you say something snide but end it with "honey." So I'm now Team Bianca.) The shower altercation ends without fisticuffs, however, so we can all rest easy.

ANTM All-Stars: Ladies, Meet Coco!

Hello, y'all! I must confess to blogging under the influence tonight, so I can't confirm that this will be entirely in Enlish.  Just pretend that Lisa is guest blogging this week. We open on the "stew room" (TM Top Chef) from last week's panel, where Lisa and Bianca are sniping at each other. They're annoying, so I'm skipping it.

Back in the house, where we see Laura's winning Michael Jackson photo, which somehow doesn't look so great. Bre tells us that she's been so worried about having Bianca's back that she hasn't been paying attention to her own position, and now she has to refocus. The girls get their next Tyra mail, which is about "not dropping the ball." They head to the beach to meet Nigel and Brittany Gastineau, "an incredible socialite who eeeeeeevrybody strives to be at some point in their life," according to Bre. Um, whatever, lady. Also, there's Julie Henderson, who's identified as a "fiercely real" model. I see Tyra is still trying to make fetch happen.  FOr those of you who didn't read last season's blogs, "fiercely  real" = plus size.  Julie announces that the girls are going to play flag football, with the help of some real football players--and this will be their challenge photo shoot (for charity?).

The red team is Lisa, Kayla, Shannon, Alex and Dom (Kayla says that she has to do well because she's a lesbian, and all lesbians are good at sports). The blue team is Bre, Bianca, Allison, Angelea and Laura. They're all playing in crop tops and bikini bottoms, so you can tell how serious this is. Intro the assorted football dudes! They're identified by their team, but I don't care, so you'll have to look that up somewhere else. To make the game fashion-y, the models will have to strike a pose whenever a flag is thrown and their name is called. I dunno, it seems complicated.  This seems a little gratuitous, and there's mostly some halfhearted running around, but the girls are apparently taking the opportunity to shove each other in retaliation for various slights.

ANTM All-Stars: Miss Jackson If You're--Wha? Oh, Hi, LaToya.

Taking a break from my work-at-home day, which has stretched into work-at-home night, because I couldn't let me darling readers down! (And also, hey, I could use a little me time.) But this might have to be a little quick-and-dirty nonetheless.

We open as the girls return to the house after judging, and Angelea revels in her photo on the wall. She tells us, a little wistfully, that she thought she popped on her original cycle, but no agencies wanted to sign her after the show (cue sad horns, wah-wahhhh). Then Bianca mopes at being a loser, and it goes on for a while, but I'm busy yelling at my husband for not coming to dinner when I call him, and thus not appreciating my cooking. Good times.

Little victories

Today was a frazzly day at work--nothing bad, just meeting upon meeting and crises flaring up that turned out not to be crises, but only after everyone ran around with their hair on fire.  So I was in real need of my evening yoga class tonight!

I made it just in time, staked out my little stretch of floor, and we began.  I've been going to yoga every Tuesday for the last six weeks or so (and Zumba every Thursday), and while no one is going to mistake me for Rodney Yee, I can already feel how much more stable and strong I am.  Tonight, I was excited to discover that I can transition successfully from Downward Dog through Plank to Low Cobra, which I couldn't do before.  Plank is basically like the "up" phase of a push-up, and then you lower yourself into the next pose--in the past, I've been coming to my knees through the transition, because my arms weren't strong enough to keep "lower myself" from becoming "belly flop." Seems like a small thing, but I was really happy to have this tangible evidence that I'm doing myself good by committing to this class.

I was so confident, I decided to try Wheel Pose while resting in Bridge. Yeah, that's not happening yet--backbends will have to wait a few more weeks. Om!

ANTM All-Stars: CSI: My Career

Steve Jobs has passed away, and all our smizes are dimmed a bit tonight.  This MacBook-penned blog goes out to him.

The Sorta-Stars come back to the house after judging to be greeted by Allison's winning photo, with the quote "Booty Tooch" boldly emblazoned on it. Stop trying to make "tooch" happen, Tyra.  Angelea is feeling a little low after being in the bottom two with Isis, but is determined to soldier on. Downstairs, Lisa is cracking open the wine (of which there are several bottles on the counter) and we're treated to a flashback from Cycle 5 in which Lisa has a serious conversation with a plant.  But while all the other model wannabes raise a glass, Lisa tells us that she went to Celebrity Rehab and now chooses not to drink. (Er, so are you saying you have a problem or not?)

Mail time! But not TyraMail, real mail. From moms! It's like mail call at camp, with care packages and notes for everyone...except Camille who got "a box full of work." Camille says that at 33, she has more responsibilities than the other girls, and her box was full of bills.  I call shenanigans on that--first of all, if you know you're going to be gone for weeks/months, don't you set up direct deposit? And if not, don't you leave checks with the person at home? There must be someone there, because they JUST SENT YOU A BOX FULL OF BILLS.