Oops! Turns out all my whining about the home visits last night was misplaced, as they hardly showed anything. As it happens, they were saving the footage for tonight, which is perfect because tonight is my Tivo boop-boop night--no need to even pretend to cover it! But I do feel a little like a Birther because last night I was mouthing off on Twitter saying, "You can tell the show's over Haley--look how they didn't even show her with fans! She had to get her text just riding in a car! The fix is in!" Um, sorry, Simon Fuller. My bad.
So, FF through Haley's home visit. Everyone was very happy to see her. She did radio, she got a text, she visited her school, she gave a concert. (Only interesting note: her whole family are musicians, so they were her backing band! OK, that's cute.) Moving on...
Next up is Il Divo, the group that Simon Cowell (remember him?) created. Two words: Boop. Boop. [Ed. note: this was actually Il Volo, a group of three Italian opera singing teens, and presumably NOT created by Simon Cowell, but ripping off Simon Cowell. My apologies for the confusion.]
Then we have Scotty's home visit. High school, baseball team, Scotty cries in his limo. Sack up, Scotty, you're being groomed to be a superstar. Text at Whole Foods, concert, done.
Nicole Sherzinger, an early reality singing show graduate. Anyone remember Popstars? That was the pre-"Making the Band" show that created Eden's Crush. Who? Exactly. [Full disclosure: I have their album. It's catchy, don't judge me!] Boop-boop.
Lauren's home visit. Crowds. Autographs (including one cowboy boot), school, concert. Oops...unexpected sincerity that makes me feel awful: Lauren's limo takes her through the storm-ravaged houses that were destroyed in the recent Southern storms, and then Lauren meets an 11 year old boy who saved his whole family from the wreckage of their house. I can't be snarky about that. Boop-booping before I lose my reputation.
Finally, it's time for the results! I barely have time to tell you that Haley is wearing some sort of crystal headband/tiara thing, Scotty is wearing a Members Only jacket, and Lauren has yet to resolve her feud with Angry Stylist, who put her in a little blue hip-length jacket, hip-hugging jeans, and a tank and belt whose lengths are competing in unfortunate fashion. And we have our first safe contestant...can you guess who? Yes, of course, it's Scotty.
Now we're down to Lauren and Haley...will Haley pull it out yet again? No, of course. She's going home, and we have a countrylicious finale. Wally seems to have taken umbrage at this, because he just raced out of the room, running over my feet and gouging a chunk out of both my pedicure and my toe. He blames all of you, because he doesn't have thumbs and thus couldn't text his votes.
See you next week for the finale!!!