THIS...is your American Idol

Finale time! Honestly, I'm too lazy to do a full-on blog post for this two-hour show.  Will you settle for bullet points?

• Missed the guys' medley while making dinner.  Stir-fried shrimp & veggies were delicious, though.
• Girls' medley of Beyonce songs was fun, even though they still can't harmonize, and a few were dressed as hookers.  But all of them were more interesting than they'd ever been as contestants.
• Jacob comes out and sings with Gladys Knight (and another gentleman who played the piano and I'm probably supposed to know).  He was more relaxed than we've ever seen him.
• Casey sings with Jack Black.  Um, huh? (Yes, I know, Tenacious D. But is that really Casey's musical future?)
• Haley sings with Tony Bennett. Way to keep her fresh, show.

 

• There are video bits in between all of these acts, but they're dumb so I'm ignoring them.
• TLC! Well, T-Boz and Chilli, anyway. They were lovely on "No Scrubs." I vote for them.
• Scotty and Tim McGraw! Singing that insipid "Live Like You Were Dying" song.  Let's just say that Tim McGraw's, er, hat is bigger than Scotty's.
• Mark Anthony! He is singing in Spanish. It sounds passionate and exciting. He still looks like a cadaver.  Eeeek! J.Lo is dancing with him in sexy fashion, and shaking her booty, and it all feels very inappropriate.  (Perhaps because she's not wearing pants.)  There's a hot lady wailing on the percussive cowbells, though. (Turns out it's Sheila E!)
• Video: do contestants like being eliminated? Answer: no.
• Guys' medley again--a love theme? They look great in matching black suits, like a teenybopper Temptations. The harmonies are better (and seriously uncomplicated), such that I don't believe they are really singing.
• This medley is still going on. It. Is. Endless.
• No, seriously. I just changed into pajamas, talked to Gordon, and went to the bathroom and they are STILL singing. Although now Tom Jones is with them.  OK, it's over.
• A video medley of Ford commercials, narrated by Scotty and Lauren in a duet. They are great duet partners--someone should just stick them together and make them a new Trisha & Garth.
• Scotty and Lauren love their teachers, and invited their chosen mentors to the show...where they are given new Ford Focuses! (Foci?) Is this because Oprah quit today?
• Lady Gaga! In person this time, not just on a videotape. She is wearing a giant triangular fringed headdress, like two medieval princess hats sticking out of her head horizontally. She is perched on a giant simulated cliff, and possibly on stilts? Singing "The Edge of Glory." I'm looking for my beloved Mark Kanemura from SYTYCD among her backup dancers.  There he is! He's the guy who gets to climb up her cliff and dance with her! That means he's the best :).
• She and Mark are simulating sex while she sings.  Scotty must be dying.
• Lauren gets a solo--and she's doing "Before He Cheats"! I like this song.  That said, she can't do it b/c her voice is still shot...and she doesn't have to, because here's Carrie Underwood to do it for her! Oof. Lauren does not benefit from the comparison.
• Heh. Video medley of the booted contestants complaining that the finalists are children. It was funny.
• Beyonce, again. Singing her new single, "One Plus One." Slow and boring. Sorry, B. You've got Gaga right there! Can't the two of you do "Telephone"?
• U2, plugging the new and "improved" Spider-Man musical. A Spider-Man descends to the aisle on wires, then springs back up. He is not killed. U2 is onstage singing something I presume is from the show--it is slow and has no hook, so they doubled up on the fog juice.  There's also a fresh-faced lad whom I believe is the musical's star, but for a minute looked like Kris Allen from two seasons ago.  Song ends with Spidey descending upside down for the "kiss" moment in front of J.Lo. She just "boops" him on the nose and giggles like a fiend. Guess her heart belongs to Casey.
• Steven Tyler's turn. He's playing piano as the opening bars of "Dream On" sweep in.  Think Randy ever feels bad that he never gets to perform?  And I assume we're going to drag Durbin onstage during this, yes?  Nope! Not while Daddy is sing--er, screaming.  I see that Steven gets a white mike stand. You know who else insists on a white mic? Barbara Streisand. Where's THEIR duet, Idol???
• Finally, time for results! Angry Stylist has dressed Lauren like Big Bird.
• SCOTTY MCCREERY!!!  As if there was any doubt. Unfortunately, now we have to hear that terrible single again. Also, Scotty would like to thank The Lord for getting him here.
• Scotty is hugging everyone in the auditorium individually, talking to his friends and halfheartedly singing the song completely off-key.  No one cares.

And that's it!  Thanks to all of you who read the recaps, and especially everyone who commented! I hope to see you all back here for the next reality travesty...whatever it is!