SYTYCD Top 20 - Two Dancers Leave...Or Not

The opening number is a Sonya joint, and I thought it was really cool! They're sort of like Russian jazz ninjas with canes. (You know, that old thing....)  Turns out we're doing three couples plus Mitchell, I guess so no girl gets a free pass? The bottom three couples are Jordan and Tadd, Clarice and Jess, and Miranda and Robert.

I think Jordan's interview hurt her a bit, because she seems like kind of a dummy, and also she's a bit of a thick dancer compared to some of the others.  But ultimately, the biggest strike against this couple is probably that they had to go first.  Ten dances later, who remembered them?

Clarice and Jess were hindered by a boring routine, well-danced but without much in the way of chemistry.  As discussed, Jess got slammed in Vegas (and he had that icky joke with Cat after his dance during the showcase episode), and Clarice is mostly legs without a discernable personality.  The dreaded Who? factor may have come into play.

Miranda and Robert weren't totally expected, at least not by me.  Was it the jive that did them in? Or could America just be getting sick of Mr. Woo! and his Urkel routine?

In the interim, we have Keri Hilson singing...something....and a dancer from the Bolshoi dancing the gopek, the Russian folk dance that was the worst-received in the history of SYTYCD. He shows everyone how it's supposed to be done, and he's clearly a remarkable and beautiful dancer, but it's still boring.

Solos! Mitchell goes first, and although his gestures are too matchy-matchy with the lyrics, he has some beautiful leaps and kicks.  I'd keep him, just so we could see him dance for real.  Jordan is next and dances like a stripper, basically.  A ton of HMV moves and little musicality. I say dump her.  Tadd does his b-boy stuff, which is impressive and should keep him safe, while Clarice is also a little strippery. She looks better than Jordan, though, because she's taller and her extensions are better, so I bet she stays. Jess kept the fedora (could it be the source of his power?) and basically just pirouettes his ass off. He busts out every step in the Broadway toolbox, and certainly is fighting to stay. Miranda's our last girl and enters like it's a gymnastics floor routine. Lotta hairography from this one. Finally, it's Woo!'s turn--the crowd starts hooting before he's even announced, and then he gestures for more. His solo's awfully marchy, but it's enough to keep him, I bet.  I think we're going to lose Jordan from the girls, but I'm stumped by the guys. Mitchell, because they have enough contempo boys? Or Jess, because he has an unpopular specialty and is unlikely to catch on with younger voters?

While the judges deliberate, Cat takes us back to Season 4, and the TV debut of a little lady called Gaga. (She debuted on SYTYCD? I feel so hip.) Then she announces that she will be guest-judging later in the season. Whee! She was actually very good as a mentor on Idol, though I'm not convinced she'll be as helpful about dance. And then we watch her new video, "The Edge of Glory." I like this song in spite of myself, because the substance, it is fairly thin on the ground in this one. But this video is boring. C'mon, Gaga, you can do better.

Judges are back! So who's taking the fall? We don't know yet, because Nigel has to take a minute to share the news that Clarence Clemons (who played sax in the video) had a stroke. And then, he still won't give us an answer, because the judges need to see Mitchell and Robert (that's Woo! for those of you who already forgot) dance one more time. This has got to freak them out. But I can see Robert is bringing it much harder this time--every joint is working overtime. Mitchell basically just starts his solo again, but I don't think he has the improvisational talent to jam-pack his routine at the last minute.  I think this probably sealed his fate.

Cat is doing yeoman's service managing this twist, because it really does look unplanned.  She's like the most charming tour guide you've ever had.  She calls the girls up to get their results first, says nice things about all of them, and then refuses to give us an answer.  He makes Cat call the guys up (is he seriously NOT going to dump anyone?), and starts with Jess, whom he calls "Jesse." He says nice things about all of them, too.

And of course, it turns out that all the bullshitting was to stall the fact that "we are not going to let anybody go home." So why are we here, dude? The crowd is screaming and the dancers have all rushed the stage to hug their compatriots.  Over the chaos, Nigel shouts to Cat that two couples will go home next week.  I guess they wanted Mitchell to have a chance to be judged on more than 30 seconds, which seems fair.

And then my Tivo cut off because of all Nigel's rambling, so if he said anything else important, I didn't get it! See you next week!

Dusting off the Ol' Blog...

For some more TV recaps! This time, it's my beloved "So You Think You Can Dance." I skipped the audition rounds, but we're finally ready to start the real thing with tonight's Top 20 show!

First off, may I observe that when you have 20 dancers, it takes FOREVER to introduce them.  Did it always take this long? I feel like I'm at a highschool graduation. But at Cat's "Here are the girls...and here are your boys," everyone does the little sashay-skip that has become tradition on the show, and I settle in for some comfort TV. Ahhhh....

Cat appears to be wearing a very shiny garbage bag, and her hair looks like she just got out of the shower.  I love you, Cat, but leave a little more time next week.  Also, because no one is safe from my rapier wit, including myself, I will confess to you that after eating a spring roll too vigorously, I found a carrot shred on my collarbone.  In my defense, I was really hungry.

THIS...is your American Idol

Finale time! Honestly, I'm too lazy to do a full-on blog post for this two-hour show.  Will you settle for bullet points?

• Missed the guys' medley while making dinner.  Stir-fried shrimp & veggies were delicious, though.
• Girls' medley of Beyonce songs was fun, even though they still can't harmonize, and a few were dressed as hookers.  But all of them were more interesting than they'd ever been as contestants.
• Jacob comes out and sings with Gladys Knight (and another gentleman who played the piano and I'm probably supposed to know).  He was more relaxed than we've ever seen him.
• Casey sings with Jack Black.  Um, huh? (Yes, I know, Tenacious D. But is that really Casey's musical future?)
• Haley sings with Tony Bennett. Way to keep her fresh, show.

 

Idol Finals - When Does a Dream End?

When does a dream begin, and when does it end? our Idol producers ask.  Judging by the footage, the dream begins at 8 to 10 years old, in a talent show or school recital.  And it ends...here. On American. Idol!  Ryan's all fancy in a tux--but not a Texas tux, which is surprising given our final two contestants.  There is a shocking lack of denim on display for this countrypalooza.

As Scotty and Lauren are introduced, it appears that Angry Stylist spent her whole budget on Lauren, because Scotty is in jeans and a t-shirt.  What, Scotty, did you miss your call time? Lauren actually looks pretty good, even though my description of her outfit probably won't sound that way.  She's in black pants & vest, over a black and silver striped shirt--and by silver, I mean silver lame.  Or possibly there's a shirt, vest and jacket?  Oh, wait, I think it's a silver jacket lined in black, that currently is flipped open.  Anyway, it's something I probably would have loved when I was in high school (i.e. the 80s), but somehow I think Lauren is pulling it off.  I like to think that she and Angry Stylist have at last buried the hatchet.

Ooh, Idol drama! Ryan has called out a dude in black scrubs professing to be a doctor, who tells us that there was a tragic incident in rehearsal--Lauren blew out a vocal cord!  Doc tells us that she'll be OK for the show, however, because they gave her "a lot of medicines." So basically, I think Lauren will be the first contestant to bring Idol down in a steroid scandal.

No Love for xoJane

Recently, a new website launched, from the creator of Sassy magazine.  Jane Pratt captured a generation of young women who were shocked and amazed to find their voices represented in a magazine that talked to them about things they cared about.  When Jane moved on to her next endeavor, Jane, she didn't have quite the same alchemical magic, but people were still plenty ready to give her a try.

So now there's xoJane.com.  A web-based mag in the vein of Jezebel.com, it features articles on family, sex, fashion, technology, and Jane, Jane, Jane.  I like snark, I'm a regular reader of Gawker, Jezebel and Television Without Pity, so I'd hoped this would be up my alley...but after reading much of the first "issue," I'm incredibly disappointed with what they've produced.  And I'm not alone--all over the web (and all over the comments on xoJane itself!), readers are expressing their disappointment at the site's lack of substance and its fairly remedial gender politics.

Current articles include "I Obsessively Monitor My Husband's Lube Bottle," in which a woman feels hurt and paranoid because her husband masturbates; an ignorant review of the excellent "Game of Thrones" that declares women are only watching for the HBO sex; their tech writer declaring "I Can't Date You Unless You Have a Smartphone"; and a piece from Jane herself being upset because she eavesdropped on her waxer's receptionists and heard them say she looked old.  There's one fairly strong article that even the negative reviews are pointing out: the story of a woman whose rapist friended her on Facebook, leading her to have a conversation with him for the first time since the rape happened.

This site is doubly disappointing because of Jane Pratt's history, and because the point of creating a site like this on the web is that a publication doesn't have to be beholden to the typical "women's mag" model.  The voice alone isn't enough to carry this site, and while it would be easy to overlook an occasional off-base article, or a single staff writer with whom I didn't click, the pervasive tone-deafness throughout the site is worse for its good intentions.

Anyone else reading xoJane? What's your favorite online read?

Top 3 - Results

Oops! Turns out all my whining about the home visits last night was misplaced, as they hardly showed anything.  As it happens, they were saving the footage for tonight, which is perfect because tonight is my Tivo boop-boop night--no need to even pretend to cover it!  But I do feel a little like a Birther because last night I was mouthing off on Twitter saying, "You can tell the show's over Haley--look how they didn't even show her with fans! She had to get her text just riding in a car! The fix is in!" Um, sorry, Simon Fuller. My bad.

So, FF through Haley's home visit.  Everyone was very happy to see her.  She did radio, she got a text, she visited her school, she gave a concert.  (Only interesting note: her whole family are musicians, so they were her backing band! OK, that's cute.)  Moving on...

Next up is Il Divo, the group that Simon Cowell (remember him?) created. Two words: Boop. Boop. [Ed. note: this was actually Il Volo, a group of three Italian opera singing teens, and presumably NOT created by Simon Cowell, but ripping off Simon Cowell. My apologies for the confusion.]

Then we have Scotty's home visit.  High school, baseball team, Scotty cries in his limo.  Sack up, Scotty, you're being groomed to be a superstar.  Text at Whole Foods, concert, done.

Nicole Sherzinger, an early reality singing show graduate.  Anyone remember Popstars?  That was the pre-"Making the Band" show that created Eden's Crush.  Who? Exactly. [Full disclosure: I have their album. It's catchy, don't judge me!] Boop-boop.

Lauren's home visit. Crowds. Autographs (including one cowboy boot), school, concert. Oops...unexpected sincerity that makes me feel awful: Lauren's limo takes her through the storm-ravaged houses that were destroyed in the recent Southern storms, and then Lauren meets an 11 year old boy who saved his whole family from the wreckage of their house.  I can't be snarky about that.  Boop-booping before I lose my reputation.

Finally, it's time for the results! I barely have time to tell you that Haley is wearing some sort of crystal headband/tiara thing, Scotty is wearing a Members Only jacket, and Lauren has yet to resolve her feud with Angry Stylist, who put her in a little blue hip-length jacket, hip-hugging jeans, and a tank and belt whose lengths are competing in unfortunate fashion.  And we have our first safe contestant...can you guess who?  Yes, of course, it's Scotty.

Now we're down to Lauren and Haley...will Haley pull it out yet again? No, of course. She's going home, and we have a countrylicious finale.  Wally seems to have taken umbrage at this, because he just raced out of the room, running over my feet and gouging a chunk out of both my pedicure and my toe.  He blames all of you, because he doesn't have thumbs and thus couldn't text his votes.

See you next week for the finale!!!

Top 3 - The Home Visits

We are so close to the end, Idol peeps!  Whatever will we talk about once this is over?  But why rush toward the moment when the trumpets call, the confetti falls, and another Idol is crowned, very likely to vanish into the mists.  Let us gather our rosebuds while we may, and follow Scotty, Lauren and Haley on their home visits.

As you know, the home visits are the same every. Single. Year.  And thus I have no interest in recapping them.  Last year I used my handy Idol template: [Singer name] visits their hometown of [City] and sees their [parents/child/teacher]. They are celebrated at a [concert/school/fair] with a crowd of [hundreds/many/3].  Tonight's previews bear me out--each visit looks EXACTLY the same.  I think this year I'll just make up my own version of what happens.

Our judges come out, and J.Lo has gone with a "mutton dressed as lamb" theme--too-short sequined dress with little puffed/ruched sleeves.  It's not good. Ryan begins by reminding us that we are still reeling from the shock of losing James...and then has to wait for the audience to figure out that they're supposed to be upset.  And eek--I think we just saw frozen-faced Priscilla Presley in the audience (unsmiling).  Could that be possible?

Is this the week when we hear from them three times each? Or is that just for the final 2? I hope the latter...the rainy weather is making my wrists ache.  #bloggerproblems :) Nope, I'm out of luck--three rounds tonight.  Round 1: Contestant's choice. Round 2: Jimmy Iovine's choice. Round 3: Judges' choice.  Who's going to get stuck with Steven's pick?  But now we're getting an intro package about Beyonce, going all the way back to her childhood home movies.  Ah...she is our mentor this week.  Her longevity suggests that she might actually have good input!